Morning

I woke up determined this morning, with a decision that today I will not waste the day away and do all the millions of things I want to do and create.

And So I started. I talked to people, got out of my shell and started the movement, where to? it didn’t really matter. I felt the fire burning in my stomach.

And then, with the first obstacle or challenge or refusal, once I saw that things were not going as well as I wanted, I froze.

I know this feeling very well. There is a spoiled little girl in me, who refuses to be told – no, and she inflates that no into such a big mountain that there is no way to get through.

At that moment I see only the refusal and the harshness of the world, the fact that everything and everyone is against me and here again do not understand me at all and do not have my favor in mind, I just hoped again that everything will flow smoothly and again the world has proven to me that nothing will go easy.

Something in me really refuses to believe that if there is some difficulty then this is the right way, if a little more effort is needed then the story is really over for me.

I find it so difficult to cross this threshold, it feels like a punch in the stomach, which folds me in half and at once I give up, failing to see again a passage through this wall.

The funny and frustrating thing about all of this is that if it was a friend that was consulting with me or my sister or any of my patients, I would already find a thousand ways to see through, and I would usually make them see that this is not the end but just another step that needs to be stepped over. Or go under. It does not matter. But in me I have such a wall that I can’t pass. It is easiest to retreat and give up in advance and leave everything as it is, as I know well and live with the taste of the missed opportunity that has become such a familiar taste over the years.

The confusion

My mind tells me that if I have to make an effort then surely I have to give up something. Maybe even something I don’t want to give up on at all. Like my freedom. Or my money. Or I have to compromise or become like everyone else.

The mind tells me that where I am uncomfortable or if something doesn’t come easily then it  is certainly not the direction nor the way, because otherwise I would swim freely.

The mind tells me that there are forces in the world, currently working against me, so that I will fail and remember that I’m not worth it.

Separation, a difficult world that comes to harm me; it’s me against everyone else, I have to fight for what I deserve. Some things I deserve and some things I don’t deserve.

 All of the above are obsolete outdated concepts.

The Gate

The truth is not that there is never any difficulty. Yes sometimes it can get difficult, sometimes things do not come as we wanted and planned. Sometimes we are asked to cross this threshold ourselves. But mostly we are asked to be attentive and submissive to life’s movement  without trying to guess where the current should flow and where we need to go, rather what time it has come to anfold, what path opens and how do I rediscover myself as I walk along it, with everything that might come.

And a voice comes to my mind that says, there is no longer any reason to wait, you can no longer believe that only when all circumstances will be most accurate then the time will be right. Or to wait for someone to come and save / help me .

This time of fear of the world has come to an end. The world misses out on me when I am afraid of it and I miss out on the world.

The truth is that out of a quiet listening, there is no effort and no hard work. There are no mountains to cross and no trolls to be scared of, these are just gone. And that is exactly the difference between knowing and understanding, between effort and silence, between feelings and thoughts and the simple truth.